Jan 31, 2012

Lucky charm?

We're officially on the calendar for March :) We'll be transferring hopefully on or shortly after March 12th. Hooray, hooray for FET #2!

We have 5 snowbabies left of our original 9. I have mourned the loss of never being pregnant with my perfect babies. I hope one of these 5 will make it and become something others can also love. Some don't consider it a loss, when IVF cycles fail but I do. I'm not comparing my loss(es) to someone who has suffered a miscarriage or any sort of child loss but I still have lost babies. Those perfect embabies that very well could have and should have developed into something more. Had they been given the chance to grow in someone elses womb, they might have and probably would have had a chance. I have failed my perfect rockstar embryos. The moment I knew of your existence I loved you. I dreamed of your future and your accomplishments. I miss you and the idea of what you would have become. 

So today, I'm thinking about all the babies lost. Whether an embaby, early miscarriage, stillborn or any lost baby. Your mommies love you and miss you. 

Jan 25, 2012

The A word.


We have an opportunity to meet with an adoption attorney in a few weeks. 

I'm going but Mr.Slick has to work and make us some more moola ::cracks whip::

I also have 5 or so informational packets from local agencies. 

::gulp:: I'm nervous. 

We're still currently pursuing IF treatments and will do so until we have no more embabies but we're also looking into this. About a year ago we set ourselves a personal deadline of summer 2012 to look into adoption whether pregnant or not and this opportunity landed in my lap so I'm taking it. 

That is all.

Jan 23, 2012

The Game of Life

Oh, Hasbro you've done me in. 

This weekend we did family game night at the in-laws house with Mr.Slick's parents, sister in-law, brother in-law and the nieces. Well the four girls (over the age of 6 months) decided to play Life. 

We were going 'round and niece was whooping us horribly. She literally landed on every.single.lawsuit square there was. And for those not familiar: that's $100,000 each time :( So we were playing, all of us desperately trying to keep up with the kiddo and everyone's vehicles were filling up with kids in the backseat. Mother in-law had two, niece had 2, sister in-law had a full vehicle. 

Guess who had none. 

Did ya guess? 

Do you need another minute to think about it? No, okay...it was me. 

Sister in-law even kept landing on the baby tiles even after she had a full car. And I never did. She kept offering me hers. Guess that doesn't change even in board game land.

Then after I passed the last opportunity for a baby I lost almost all my money in a lawsuit and medical bills. 

Even in the realm of games the fertile are still overly fertile and the infertile are still infertile. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry, so I decided to laugh which made everyone there (well the adults who know about our IF struggles) really uncomfortable. I'm just glad I decided to make myself laugh to avoid crying because if it was that awkward with me laughing at that situation I can't imagine how awkward things would have gotten if I had cried. 

This used to be one of my favorite games but it's now been logged away in my brain under the "Unfair to infertiles" category. 

Jan 19, 2012

Today has been a bad day.

It's been a crying day. 

A feel sorry for myself day. 

A torture myself by watching pregnancy announcements to families videos on youtube, kind of day. I really don't know why I do things like that.Maybe because the thought of making one of those things makes me want to puke because they're so cutsie...or maybe because it's something so foreign to me I want to know more.  

I knew it when I woke up too. I even went to work prepared by not wearing any eye makeup. I did make it through work since I had plenty to do to keep busy. Yay busy work! 

But today wasn't a bad day. 

Today was a good day for one reason. My extra sister, my 5th sister, got wonderful news. If you're the praying type, will you say a prayer for her that her good news stays that way? I've prayed and prayed and prayed for this good news for her and I'm so glad one of us gets good news. 

Jan 17, 2012


Since there's no baby coming anytime soon, we decided to get a little more in shape. 

Well, I totally ate concrete today while running with the pup. Aaaaand this is the 2nd time in two days. 

Y'all, it was so embarrassing. 

We were running, had a nice stride going, the dog was keeping my pace. It was GLORIOUS. Usually he's tugging on me or I'm tugging or him. Or he's chasing rabbits or ducks. Oh the dang ducks, he just can't contain himself with those things. 

So we were running, things were good, and then I got cocky. 

I decided to gracefully leap from the sidewalk to the road so I could cross the street. Well, toe hit edge of curb which then sent me rolling into the street. The pup was still running, completely unaware of me being now face down in the street. He then dragged me about another foot or so as we were still attached by the leash. 

He then turned around, gave me a WTF mom? look and then thought, "WAIT! She's on the ground! This means play time, right?!?!!" ::commence absurd tail wagging and licking of my face::

Three kids and an old man saw me. I then retreated to my house where I'm trying to convince myself that the concrete isn't' out to get me. 

::sigh:: I'll try again tomorrow and hopefully it's only my feet hitting the ground.

Jan 11, 2012

Things you worry about when infertile.

1. Sneezing. Oh goodness, the sneezing. I swear to you, I feel like my sneezes are going to un-stick my embryos or shoot them out. Then again, I do have some pretty powerful sneezes. 

2. Wearing your seat belt. OMG, is it going to squish my tiny, microscopic baby?!? Will it flatten my follies? Seriously, I'm a BIG supporter of the seat belt but I have found myself adjusting where it hits me while in the 2WW. 

3. Cleaning products. Ok, maybe I just use this as an excuse with Mr. Slick but I'm a little convinced that the chemicals are going to fry my follies. 

4. Lady grooming...and not for your husband. Yep, I clean up more for my RE nurses than Mr.Slick lately. 

5. My laptop. It does not sit in my lap while in the 2WW. Again, I think it's going to fry my follies or overheat my embies. 

Yep, I worry about those types of things and many many more. Random, completely irrational thoughts pulse through my brain at all times. Is it just me? Am I the only crazy one out there? Maybe, but oh well. At least I'm able to keep the crazy lady from within from showing her true colors most days. 

Jan 3, 2012

T is for Tiger.

Or in my life, T is for T-shaped uterus. 

Apparently this type of uterine abnormality - which isn't necessarily slight - is a very rare congenital uterine malformation usually caused by DES exposure. While I know I wasn't exposed to DES in utero (dr's stopped using it in the 70's) I could be a 3rd generation DES mutant. Meaning, my mother or father could have been exposed in utero (DES was used in it's height in the 50's, when they were born) which according to some very very small studies could affect me. 


Women with T shaped uteri are more likely to have implantation issues, no implantation at all, early miscarriages, preterm labor and delivery. 

Double awesome. 

My RE didn't seem overly concerned and said there are still plenty of women with T shaped utes who carry to term and that the SHG revealed good volume which would indicate good chances of not having preterm labor, so I probably shouldn't worry either. 

At least that's what my brain is telling the rest of me. Y'all, I'm freaking out. There's such a small chance either of my parents were exposed to DES and an even smaller chance that even if they were that it would have any affect on me. And there's nothing I can do about it anyway. And it could just be, and probably is some strange thing not at all related to DES. But I'm now picturing my ute as being some weird alien thing that glows in the dark. 

At least if I did get pregnant then the baby would have a night light??