Mar 26, 2012


Today while at the grocery store, I remembered I needed some more school supplies for my classroom. So, I headed down the school supplies aisle - which happens to also be the toy aisle. 

There in the aisle were two young kids with their mother. She was playing on her phone while both kids were desperately trying to get her attention. 

Kid 1: Mommy, Mommy! Look at this one! Can I have it? 
Kid 2: Mommy! Isn't this pretty? Do you think Daddy would like it? 

The only acknowledgement she gave her children was to say (loudly) shut up and put the toys into the basket. 

I tried to discretely walk by and noticed she never once looked up at me from her Angry Birds game. 

I gave both kids a smile and wink and left the aisle with an angry and jealous feeling. 

So, what did I do? 

I marched my angry, jealous butt over to the dog toy aisle and bought Gunner a new ball. I wish I were as excited as he was about that ball about anything in life right now. What I would give to feel such love for something and someone as my dog feels about me. 

Mar 21, 2012

Philippians 4:13-14

Got the news today at 4pm - Beta was negative. Again. 

Last time I didn't cry for over a day, today I barely made it to the car. 

Anyway, I received the following from Sarah's Laughter (see a few posts down for info) and wanted to share. 

What Can I Do To Help?
Practical Advice for Friends and Family 

 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
 Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction. 
Philippians 4:13-14 

 If you are the one struggling with infertility, guess what! Today’s Daily Double Portion is not for you! Please print this copy out, hand it to the nearest friend or family member, turn your computer off and patiently wait until tomorrow for your next Daily Double Portion! 

 If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”, you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle. They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support. As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love. These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support. If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time. 

 What to Say... 

 I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer. Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for. They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you. You don’t have to understand why certain things are important. It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date. When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk. Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.) 

 What NOT to say... 

 Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.
At were only a few weeks along, At have one child. At have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
You can always have another baby. (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss. Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost. They love this baby. They want this baby.
I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) 
Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let them cry. Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.) 

 Be Sensitive... 

 Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private. If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain. Maintain their confidence. If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself. Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation. If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. 
Don’t ask infertile women or mothers who have miscarried to pass out gifts on Mother’s Day, host baby showers, etc. These are excruciating events for those who struggle.
Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests. Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.
Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc. Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday. These are hard events to attend. Don’t criticize if they do not attend. However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.
Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.  

 As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness. 

 (c) 2012 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

Mar 19, 2012

Panic has set in.

I’ve been having, only what I can describe as mini panic attacks recently.

I’ve been thinking about what will happen if this cycle and the next don’t work. Not because I won’t ever get a take home baby, because there are other avenues for that to happen, but will I be left wondering for the rest of my reproductive life?

Will I be secretly hoping for a miracle pregnancy?

Will I have to make the choice to go on birth control and forever give up that hope?

Will my PCOS make me crazy with unpredictable cycles and confused?

Will I forgive myself for “giving up?”

Will Ryan be secretly hoping for a miracle pregnancy?

Will people judge me for “giving up?”

Will I be able to make any sort of permanent decision in regards to birth control?

Should we even bother?

Is it even possible?

I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past three nights thinking about these things. I know that’s something that I’ll just need to think about when the time comes, but I can’t get these things out of my head. These things literally make my heart race and palms sweat. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up hope forever, or secretly wish for it in my heart forever?

Mar 18, 2012


For a larger version see this site.

I'm so tired of hearing many of these things and similar sayings. It's exhausting, really. 

Mar 15, 2012

Transfer update

We had our third transfer on Monday 3/12.

Everything this cycle was looking up. My lining was better than it's ever been, blood flow was good, and I was feeling good!

Then on the way to the actual transfer after my morning acupuncture appointment we got a call from the embryologist. Our embabies weren't thawing correctly :(

We planned on transferring two, so they thawed two. Neither looked normal and one was far worse off than the other at only about 10% viability and it eventually didn't make it. So they asked for permission to thaw a third one. With such short notice, we weren't able to see how this one was developing but they didn't want to give the other one that was still out too much time as it was starting to slow in it's development.

We ended up transferred two low grade embryos. The RE and embryologist said there was still a chance but they didn't want to risk thawing more, because the results may have been the same.

I was upset and still am. Mr. Slick seems more optimistic but I don't know if that's true optimism or just a show to be strong for me.

::sigh:: I guess we'll see.

Mar 8, 2012


My ute got compliments from my RE on Wednesday :)

She said it was beautiful - I was beaming with pride.

We've always struggled with getting it to the minimum of 8mm and at my check up on 3/6 it was 10.4mm!!!

I started PIO yesterday and so far so good. No adverse reactions like last time, at least not yet. And transfer is set for 3/12.

Mar 1, 2012

Dear Lindsay,

It's been 3 years. I think about you everyday but thought about you especially this week. 

I miss you so much and think about you often. I'm still angry that you were taken from this world because of someone else's careless mistake. It's not fair. I wish I could take away the pain that your parents are constantly enduring but I know that not even time can heal those wounds. 

We all miss you. 

Lub, Ang