Mar 19, 2012

Panic has set in.

I’ve been having, only what I can describe as mini panic attacks recently.

I’ve been thinking about what will happen if this cycle and the next don’t work. Not because I won’t ever get a take home baby, because there are other avenues for that to happen, but will I be left wondering for the rest of my reproductive life?

Will I be secretly hoping for a miracle pregnancy?

Will I have to make the choice to go on birth control and forever give up that hope?

Will my PCOS make me crazy with unpredictable cycles and confused?

Will I forgive myself for “giving up?”

Will Ryan be secretly hoping for a miracle pregnancy?

Will people judge me for “giving up?”

Will I be able to make any sort of permanent decision in regards to birth control?

Should we even bother?

Is it even possible?

I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past three nights thinking about these things. I know that’s something that I’ll just need to think about when the time comes, but I can’t get these things out of my head. These things literally make my heart race and palms sweat. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up hope forever, or secretly wish for it in my heart forever?


  1. oh hon. :( *big squeeze* We gotta TALK ourselves through this stuff instead of LISTENING to ourselves, otherwise we're gonna go crazy. :/ You and your hubby might hope for a miracle pregnancy - that's not wrong! You shouldn't feel guilty for that. Moving onto other avenues isn't giving up, it's channeling your hope in a different direction. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be hard in different ways, and it takes a brave person to pursue it. And it doesn't matter what other people think. It's your family. Your miracle in whatever shape, form, or color, it comes in.

    Hang in there my dear. I'm right here with ya. :']

  2. Thanks D. We set this end point a long time ago and I know in my head that it's the right decision but it's hard convincing my heart to go along with it all.

    <3 to you and ((hugs))