Left behind.

I'm feeling left behind. I'm feeling left out. I am very grateful for all of my blessings in life but there is a hole in my heart. 


Most of my friends have children. And I have, as of recently, started to receive less and less invitations to go out, hang out, and be around them. I've been told that they don't want to bore me with their (mother) conversations and children. I am not part of this exclusive mommy club. I have no stories to tell, no pictures to share in their baby fueled conversations. I listen and try to be supportive where I can but am often times given the look and even told that I don't know how hard it is as they complain about their lives and children. They're right, I don't know how hard it is and I have never claimed so but I want to. Maybe I'm too sensitive? I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings. 


I've been trying to reach out and recently have made plans with my mommy friends. We all have fun but it's painfully obvious to me that I'm the only on in the room or wherever we are without a child(ren). Everyone leaves with their little ones and go back to my empty house. A house with an incomplete family. 


But what gives me hope is knowing that my child is out there, perhaps even already born. A child that may have grown in another woman's body, but is growing in my heart. 

Home visit is done!

We had our home visit last night and it went great! I'm not going to go into too much detail since nothing is finalized yet, but we both feel pretty good about things. 


She came over around 6 last night, did a joint interview, we ate dinner, then she interviewed us separately, did a home tour and then left around 9. 


She expects to have the rough draft to us within 2 weeks - which is pretty fast in the world of international adoption. 






In other news, I ONLY HAVE SEVEN MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT! I am so excited for my summer sanity break! I can't tell who is more excited; the kids or teachers. Today, I'm voting the teachers.

Records

This is a PSA:


If you're planning on pursuing international adoption in the next 6 or so months, start schmoozing up to the records department at your local police department, county clerk's office, state offices, doctor's offices, vet's office, etc. 


Some of these people act like it's an act of God for them to pull a record for you. Never mind the fact that it's their job or anything. But seriously, I go to pull records, and they act like no one has ever needed 3 certified copies of their marriage license, birth certificates, or background checks. 


Really? We're the first EVER? 


Even though some people have been less than willing to do their jobs, many have gone above and beyond to get us documents in a timely manner (this is a shout out to you little man in the passport office for not charging us extra for our rush order!). 






But we're making progress :) Our home study has been scheduled for May 20th, we got our fingerprints done and sent off, we have all of the official documents we need from the state, and most of the documents we'll need to fill out for our dossier once our home study is finished!

$H!T People Say

So I know I'm technically still new to this process but the stupidity has already started! I foolishly hoped (but also was preparing for) the oh, so wonderful comments from ignorant bystanders. I know most don't mean well but here are some recent doozies:

• Oh, don't give up!  <--This one is referring to stopping IF treatments

• Will you still try for a real child?  <--You mean adopted children aren't real???

• I think you should adopt a special needs child, they need families to adopt them. <--How many special needs children have you adopted, again? 

• Well, I'll love them anyways! <--WTF is that supposed to mean?

I'm sure there will be more to come, but people let's please use our brains and think before we speak. Mmmmkay? 

Check list!

Our check list is getting some action!

• Find an agency we like - CHECK!
• Find a home study agency - CHECK!
• Start filling out mounds and mounds of paperwork - CHECK!
• Buy extra bandaids for the paper cuts - CHECK!

We mailed off our application with our first payment...we're gettin' serious about this people! I have a stack of paperwork that's at least an inch thick AND there are some online forms too. 

I also just ordered and spent $140 on documents that we'll need for the home study. And that wasn't even half of them!

NIAW

It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Although we have closed the treatment door and opened the adoption door, I'll always be infertile. I'll always carry it with me. 


Here's a video that my friend over at The Juice is worth the Squeeze made this and it's awesome, just like her!

Aggravating and exciting.

I'm a little put off by some of my recent encounters with some agencies. 


First of all, in today's world, your website is likely the first place someone is introduced to your business. So, keep it updated please. I'm not asking for all the bells and whistles, just accurate information. 


Secondly, why the crap do you only take informational calls from 9am - 4pm and not during lunch? Don't you know that people have to work to pay for this enormous bill? Oh, and please get my name right after we have emailed back and forth and I've left you a voicemail...and you've listened to my voicemail message. It's really not a hard one. 


And lastly, answer the damn question I ask you. If I ask you, "Can we do a conference call on a weekend due to Mr.Slick's and my work schedule?" Don't reply with a generic email with, "Here's the link to our website, our online packets, and office hours." Or if I ask you, "How many regions do you work with in Russia?" please don't say, "We have excellent facilitators we work with in Russia." That's not what I asked you. Answer my questions!!




We've found an agency that answers our questions, takes our calls whenever we make them (or calls back very shortly after!), and has accurate info. They also email you the things you request within a day. They also have received good reviews and a LOT of them. I trust the 4.5 stars they've received on one rating website from 50+ reviews much more than the 5 stars many other agencies have received with their 2-5 reviews. We'll be deciding for sure later this week after we force ourselves to give another few agencies a chance. We have packets from at least 20 and have talked to on the phone or via email at least 10. I am so ready to make this official!

The Great Debate

So we came to the decision to move on to adoption. 


Now what? 


Well, now came the conversations about what type of adoption. 


Did you know that there's more than domestic, international and foster-to-adopt programs? Yea, I didn't either. 


Option 1: Domestic Infant Adoption through an agency

• Pros - You can adopt a newborn and get as close to the "full" experience as possible.
• Cons - Expensive, long wait times, risk of birth mother/father changing their minds, you the adoptive parent doesn't get to make the final decisions in the adoption plan (open, semi-open, or closed)

Option 2: Domestic Infant Adoption through a facilitator

• Pros - Can be fast, can be relatively inexpensive, you can still adopt a newborn
• Cons - BIG risks of fraud, can also take a long time, you have to put your info out there on the interwebz for all to see (this is the way many facilitation programs now run)

Option 3: Identified Adoption

• Pros - One of the most inexpensive options, get the newborn experience
• Cons - It's rare for adoptive parents to "find" their own birth mom without major hitches

Option 4: Foster-to-Adopt or direct adoption via the state 

(these norms will vary from state to state)

• Pros - Almost free, children are readily available
• Cons - Risk of child being given back to parents or another relative high, very rare to get children under 5 years old, and did I mention the year long risk of the child being taken back????

Option 5: International Adoption

• Pros - You could be saving a child's life as well as giving them a loving family, travel experiences, very rarely are there birth parents/family issues
• Cons - Expensive, more paperwork than "normal" adoptions, have to jump though US hoops as well as the other countries hoops

Right now we're leaning towards option 5. Most of the reason being the first and last pro listed. For Mr.Slick, his fear is the birth parents experience (all the horror stories). We know those instances are rare, but it's something that was really important to him. And for me, the more I thought about it, the first pro listed sold me. These poor kiddos are living in awful conditions in orphanages most of the time and it seriously breaks my heart. 

No, seriously. If you ever want a good cry fest hop on youtube.com and search for videos of overseas orphanages. It will tear you to pieces. 

Information overload

We're about 99.9% sure what type of adoption program we're looking for. 


We're about 99.9% sure we're looking into international adoption. 






We are however, still looking for the right agency. 






We went to a (free! yay!) seminar this past weekend and got a TON of great information on programs we like. We also liked the woman we spoke to but we still want to talk to a few others before making any financial commitments. But yea, this is where the information overload is coming from. There is seriously SOOOOO much to think about.


We've gotten most of the documents we need, or have ordered the ones we need for the home study. 




We also told Mr.Slick's family this weekend (well half of them) and it went well. They were very supportive. We were also able to tell some of my family members who were also supportive. We were, for whatever reason, nervous about this - almost waiting for negative comments. We have received a few but the good have greatly outweighed the bad so far :)

So it seems...

So it seems that my infertility obsession focus will be redirected soon. 


That's right folks, I'm hanging up my stirrup socks and trading them in for legal documents and a home study. 




You will now likely only be getting obsessive, over analyzed, over researched posts on adoption from now on (I might still sprinkle in a few IF topics as I wean from them). We have decided to stop treatments. We do have two embryos left and will reconsider treatments again in a year or two. We still have our WTF appointment this Friday where I'll likely just pay in advance to have our embies stored there and be on my merry way. 


It's bittersweet, really, leaving the IF world behind. Then again, I don't know if I'll ever leave this world. I'll always be part of this silent (but growing louder!) sorority. Whether we have a child or not, I'll always be infertile. I'll always carry this struggle and a heavy heart for those still struggling. 


I was anticipating this decision being much more difficult than it actually was. For the first time in almost 6 months I'm actually happy. I'm actually looking forward to the next steps, I don't dread the next phone call, I don't dread the next appointment, I'm actually optimistic. I know it won't be easy, I know it will be hard, but I also know that I'm seeing a light at the end of this dark and cold tunnel. 

Toys

Today while at the grocery store, I remembered I needed some more school supplies for my classroom. So, I headed down the school supplies aisle - which happens to also be the toy aisle. 


There in the aisle were two young kids with their mother. She was playing on her phone while both kids were desperately trying to get her attention. 


Kid 1: Mommy, Mommy! Look at this one! Can I have it? 
Kid 2: Mommy! Isn't this pretty? Do you think Daddy would like it? 


The only acknowledgement she gave her children was to say (loudly) shut up and put the toys into the basket. 


I tried to discretely walk by and noticed she never once looked up at me from her Angry Birds game. 


I gave both kids a smile and wink and left the aisle with an angry and jealous feeling. 


So, what did I do? 








I marched my angry, jealous butt over to the dog toy aisle and bought Gunner a new ball. I wish I were as excited as he was about that ball about anything in life right now. What I would give to feel such love for something and someone as my dog feels about me. 

Philippians 4:13-14

Got the news today at 4pm - Beta was negative. Again. 

Last time I didn't cry for over a day, today I barely made it to the car. 

Anyway, I received the following from Sarah's Laughter (see a few posts down for info) and wanted to share. 

******

What Can I Do To Help?
Practical Advice for Friends and Family 

 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
 Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction. 
Philippians 4:13-14 

 If you are the one struggling with infertility, guess what! Today’s Daily Double Portion is not for you! Please print this copy out, hand it to the nearest friend or family member, turn your computer off and patiently wait until tomorrow for your next Daily Double Portion! 

 If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”, you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle. They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support. As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love. These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support. If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time. 

 What to Say... 

 I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer. Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for. They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you. You don’t have to understand why certain things are important. It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date. When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk. Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.) 

 What NOT to say... 

 Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.
At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
You can always have another baby. (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss. Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost. They love this baby. They want this baby.
I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) 
Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let them cry. Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.) 

 Be Sensitive... 

 Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private. If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain. Maintain their confidence. If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself. Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation. If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. 
Don’t ask infertile women or mothers who have miscarried to pass out gifts on Mother’s Day, host baby showers, etc. These are excruciating events for those who struggle.
Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests. Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.
Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc. Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday. These are hard events to attend. Don’t criticize if they do not attend. However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.
Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.  

 As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness. 

 (c) 2012 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

Panic has set in.

I’ve been having, only what I can describe as mini panic attacks recently.


I’ve been thinking about what will happen if this cycle and the next don’t work. Not because I won’t ever get a take home baby, because there are other avenues for that to happen, but will I be left wondering for the rest of my reproductive life?


Will I be secretly hoping for a miracle pregnancy?


Will I have to make the choice to go on birth control and forever give up that hope?


Will my PCOS make me crazy with unpredictable cycles and confused?


Will I forgive myself for “giving up?”


Will Ryan be secretly hoping for a miracle pregnancy?


Will people judge me for “giving up?”


Will I be able to make any sort of permanent decision in regards to birth control?


Should we even bother?


Is it even possible?






I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past three nights thinking about these things. I know that’s something that I’ll just need to think about when the time comes, but I can’t get these things out of my head. These things literally make my heart race and palms sweat. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up hope forever, or secretly wish for it in my heart forever?

Tired.

For a larger version see this site.

I'm so tired of hearing many of these things and similar sayings. It's exhausting, really. 

Transfer update

We had our third transfer on Monday 3/12.

Everything this cycle was looking up. My lining was better than it's ever been, blood flow was good, and I was feeling good!

Then on the way to the actual transfer after my morning acupuncture appointment we got a call from the embryologist. Our embabies weren't thawing correctly :(

We planned on transferring two, so they thawed two. Neither looked normal and one was far worse off than the other at only about 10% viability and it eventually didn't make it. So they asked for permission to thaw a third one. With such short notice, we weren't able to see how this one was developing but they didn't want to give the other one that was still out too much time as it was starting to slow in it's development.

We ended up transferred two low grade embryos. The RE and embryologist said there was still a chance but they didn't want to risk thawing more, because the results may have been the same.

I was upset and still am. Mr. Slick seems more optimistic but I don't know if that's true optimism or just a show to be strong for me.

::sigh:: I guess we'll see.

Woohoo!

My ute got compliments from my RE on Wednesday :)

She said it was beautiful - I was beaming with pride.

We've always struggled with getting it to the minimum of 8mm and at my check up on 3/6 it was 10.4mm!!!

I started PIO yesterday and so far so good. No adverse reactions like last time, at least not yet. And transfer is set for 3/12.

Dear Lindsay,

It's been 3 years. I think about you everyday but thought about you especially this week. 

I miss you so much and think about you often. I'm still angry that you were taken from this world because of someone else's careless mistake. It's not fair. I wish I could take away the pain that your parents are constantly enduring but I know that not even time can heal those wounds. 

We all miss you. 

Lub, Ang

Sarah's Laughter

When dealing with infertility you get tested in many ways; physically, mentally emotionally, and your faith is also tested.

One thing that has brought me some comfort recently is a great site called Sarah's Laughter. This site is a Christian support group for infertility and child loss.

Some awesome features on this site:

• Contact info for some support groups
• Options to submit prayer requests
• Options to become a part of the prayer team
• And my favorite: Daily Double Portions

The Daily Double Portions is daily (weekdays) encouragement offered through email about your infertility journey based on scripture. The messages are very well thought out and speak true to the emotions that come with IF.

I encourage you to check it out, if you feel inclined. It's nice to open my personal email midday to these messages and not feel so alone in an otherwise lonely, fertile world.

Eff you uterus (and ovaries), eff you.

Before your proceed... I would like to apologize for my language in this post.

::ok, go ahead, you've been warned::



So I went in today for another checkup before starting Estrace. I've been on Lupron for a while and just got off BCP last week.

There's fucking fluid in my uterus, my lining is VERY thin (1.67) and I have fucking follicles trying to mature. My AFC was around 20ish and there are 5-7 that are creeping up on 11mm. My E2 number was 94.2.

My body won't fucking ovulate once on it's own in 3 damn years and now it's pulling this shit when it's supposed to be fully suppressed. The only thing that is suppressed is my lining, which with my lining issues in the past isn't surprising.



I'm now going to have to double my Lupron dosage and do it twice a day, which means I'll have to give one of my shots to myself at school. Every cycle it's been something. Fresh IVF I developed OHSS, FET #1 my lining sucked ass, and now this crap.



I also found out that they want to see my this coming Friday to see if we'll proceed or not. Since it's short notice they can only get me in at 10:00 which means I have to take a fucking half day without pay off from school.

 I've been having one of the shittiest few weeks with my emotions related to IF. I have never felt this down about myself before in my life and now this. I don't know how much more I can take.

Tag, you're it!

I've been tagged by Living Our Life in Cycles. I am looking forward to answering her questions!



Here are the rules:



1) First post the rules.

2) Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.

3) Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.

4) Tag people and link them to your post.

5) Let them know that you tagged them.





Here are the questions she had for me:


What kind of sleeper are you? More of a stomach sleeper than anything.


What is your favorite app on your cell phone? I love my Shazam app


If you could have any wild animal as a pet what would you have? Why? Elephant! Because they're one of my favorites.


If you have any super power what would you choose? Why?  Invisibility - I like to go unnoticed sometimes and I'm a people watcher. I could do that with much more ease if I were invisible.


What is your favorite candy? Riesens!!


What is your favorite season? Late spring/early summer


What one movie could you watch over and over again? I will watch Ms. Congeniality anytime it's on TV.


If you HAD to move to another state or country where would you go? State - Florida, country - Belize


Are you a night or morning person? Definitely a night owl.


Biggest pet peeve? People who leave their blinkers on, people who use their cell phones when I'm talking to them about something semi serious.


What's your favorite website to visit? Facebook or Google - I love having information at my fingertips.


Questions for those I'm tagging:

1. What is one food you could eat everyday?
2. What was your favorite childhood book?
3. What was your favorite subject in elementary school?
4. What was your favorite subject in high school?
5. What is your favorite cooking medium (grill, oven, etc)?
6. The world is ending - weapon of choice?
7. If you could describe yourself at 10 years old in three words, what would they be?
8. Now describe yourself now in three words.
9. What's your favorite scent for your home?
10. What is your favorite childhood vacation memory?
11. If you could meet anyone, past or present who would it be and why?







I'm tagging (and please forgive and ignore if you've already been tagged)
Denay at Where's Baby Miller?
Becky at Love Everyday Life
Amanda at I am wife...
Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze
Brooke at Invisible Finish Line
Megan at Hoping for Baby B
Chasey at From Fertile Myrtle...
Branmuffin at Baking a Little Muffin
W at Ello Minnow Pea
Btay at Can't Rush a Miracle
Mrs.Mroch at Mrs.Mroch