Sarah's Laughter

When dealing with infertility you get tested in many ways; physically, mentally emotionally, and your faith is also tested.

One thing that has brought me some comfort recently is a great site called Sarah's Laughter. This site is a Christian support group for infertility and child loss.

Some awesome features on this site:

• Contact info for some support groups
• Options to submit prayer requests
• Options to become a part of the prayer team
• And my favorite: Daily Double Portions

The Daily Double Portions is daily (weekdays) encouragement offered through email about your infertility journey based on scripture. The messages are very well thought out and speak true to the emotions that come with IF.

I encourage you to check it out, if you feel inclined. It's nice to open my personal email midday to these messages and not feel so alone in an otherwise lonely, fertile world.

Eff you uterus (and ovaries), eff you.

Before your proceed... I would like to apologize for my language in this post.

::ok, go ahead, you've been warned::



So I went in today for another checkup before starting Estrace. I've been on Lupron for a while and just got off BCP last week.

There's fucking fluid in my uterus, my lining is VERY thin (1.67) and I have fucking follicles trying to mature. My AFC was around 20ish and there are 5-7 that are creeping up on 11mm. My E2 number was 94.2.

My body won't fucking ovulate once on it's own in 3 damn years and now it's pulling this shit when it's supposed to be fully suppressed. The only thing that is suppressed is my lining, which with my lining issues in the past isn't surprising.



I'm now going to have to double my Lupron dosage and do it twice a day, which means I'll have to give one of my shots to myself at school. Every cycle it's been something. Fresh IVF I developed OHSS, FET #1 my lining sucked ass, and now this crap.



I also found out that they want to see my this coming Friday to see if we'll proceed or not. Since it's short notice they can only get me in at 10:00 which means I have to take a fucking half day without pay off from school.

 I've been having one of the shittiest few weeks with my emotions related to IF. I have never felt this down about myself before in my life and now this. I don't know how much more I can take.

Tag, you're it!

I've been tagged by Living Our Life in Cycles. I am looking forward to answering her questions!



Here are the rules:



1) First post the rules.

2) Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.

3) Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.

4) Tag people and link them to your post.

5) Let them know that you tagged them.





Here are the questions she had for me:


What kind of sleeper are you? More of a stomach sleeper than anything.


What is your favorite app on your cell phone? I love my Shazam app


If you could have any wild animal as a pet what would you have? Why? Elephant! Because they're one of my favorites.


If you have any super power what would you choose? Why?  Invisibility - I like to go unnoticed sometimes and I'm a people watcher. I could do that with much more ease if I were invisible.


What is your favorite candy? Riesens!!


What is your favorite season? Late spring/early summer


What one movie could you watch over and over again? I will watch Ms. Congeniality anytime it's on TV.


If you HAD to move to another state or country where would you go? State - Florida, country - Belize


Are you a night or morning person? Definitely a night owl.


Biggest pet peeve? People who leave their blinkers on, people who use their cell phones when I'm talking to them about something semi serious.


What's your favorite website to visit? Facebook or Google - I love having information at my fingertips.


Questions for those I'm tagging:

1. What is one food you could eat everyday?
2. What was your favorite childhood book?
3. What was your favorite subject in elementary school?
4. What was your favorite subject in high school?
5. What is your favorite cooking medium (grill, oven, etc)?
6. The world is ending - weapon of choice?
7. If you could describe yourself at 10 years old in three words, what would they be?
8. Now describe yourself now in three words.
9. What's your favorite scent for your home?
10. What is your favorite childhood vacation memory?
11. If you could meet anyone, past or present who would it be and why?







I'm tagging (and please forgive and ignore if you've already been tagged)
Denay at Where's Baby Miller?
Becky at Love Everyday Life
Amanda at I am wife...
Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze
Brooke at Invisible Finish Line
Megan at Hoping for Baby B
Chasey at From Fertile Myrtle...
Branmuffin at Baking a Little Muffin
W at Ello Minnow Pea
Btay at Can't Rush a Miracle
Mrs.Mroch at Mrs.Mroch

Are you okay?

Yep, I'm great.


How are you doing?

I'm fine :) How are you?


How are things going with you?

Pretty good ::nods and smiles::





Lies, lies, lies. I'm not great, I'm not fine, and I'm not okay. I know people don't really want to hear these things when they ask me these questions, so I instead give them the answers they want. I give them the satisfaction of asking me how I'm doing and then spare them the raw, ugly emotions.

I'm glad they ask, it does show they care. I just wish it were acceptable to give people the real answer. Lately, anytime I'm asked one of these questions I slap a smile on my face and fake it. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from having to lie all the time.

So, would it be better to not be asked and then not have to fake it or to be asked, give the real answer and deal with the awkward repercussions that are sure to follow OR to keep going as I am - faking my pretty good's, fine's and smiles?

Hope

When the world says, "Give up." Hope whispers, "Try one more time." ~unknown


Yesterday I had my baseline appointment for FET #2. Everything looked great and I started shots last night - and so did the oh, so lovely hot flashes. 


I know what can go wrong. I can feel the fear in every part of my day but it's by the Grace of God that I can manipulate that fear into hope. My fears are still there but hope is what is making me try again. 


There may come a time where I seemingly throw in the towel and "give up." But what may seem like giving up to you, is me focusing my hope and channeling my fears down a new path. 


So here's to hoping for the best, knowing the worst and hot flashes and migraines from my meds :)

Lucky charm?

We're officially on the calendar for March :) We'll be transferring hopefully on or shortly after March 12th. Hooray, hooray for FET #2!


We have 5 snowbabies left of our original 9. I have mourned the loss of never being pregnant with my perfect babies. I hope one of these 5 will make it and become something others can also love. Some don't consider it a loss, when IVF cycles fail but I do. I'm not comparing my loss(es) to someone who has suffered a miscarriage or any sort of child loss but I still have lost babies. Those perfect embabies that very well could have and should have developed into something more. Had they been given the chance to grow in someone elses womb, they might have and probably would have had a chance. I have failed my perfect rockstar embryos. The moment I knew of your existence I loved you. I dreamed of your future and your accomplishments. I miss you and the idea of what you would have become. 


So today, I'm thinking about all the babies lost. Whether an embaby, early miscarriage, stillborn or any lost baby. Your mommies love you and miss you. 

The A word.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...


We have an opportunity to meet with an adoption attorney in a few weeks. 


I'm going but Mr.Slick has to work and make us some more moola ::cracks whip::


I also have 5 or so informational packets from local agencies. 


::gulp:: I'm nervous. 


We're still currently pursuing IF treatments and will do so until we have no more embabies but we're also looking into this. About a year ago we set ourselves a personal deadline of summer 2012 to look into adoption whether pregnant or not and this opportunity landed in my lap so I'm taking it. 












That is all.

The Game of Life

Oh, Hasbro you've done me in. 

This weekend we did family game night at the in-laws house with Mr.Slick's parents, sister in-law, brother in-law and the nieces. Well the four girls (over the age of 6 months) decided to play Life. 

We were going 'round and niece was whooping us horribly. She literally landed on every.single.lawsuit square there was. And for those not familiar: that's $100,000 each time :( So we were playing, all of us desperately trying to keep up with the kiddo and everyone's vehicles were filling up with kids in the backseat. Mother in-law had two, niece had 2, sister in-law had a full vehicle. 

Guess who had none. 

Did ya guess? 

Do you need another minute to think about it? No, okay...it was me. 

Sister in-law even kept landing on the baby tiles even after she had a full car. And I never did. She kept offering me hers. Guess that doesn't change even in board game land.

Then after I passed the last opportunity for a baby I lost almost all my money in a lawsuit and medical bills. 

Even in the realm of games the fertile are still overly fertile and the infertile are still infertile. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry, so I decided to laugh which made everyone there (well the adults who know about our IF struggles) really uncomfortable. I'm just glad I decided to make myself laugh to avoid crying because if it was that awkward with me laughing at that situation I can't imagine how awkward things would have gotten if I had cried. 

This used to be one of my favorite games but it's now been logged away in my brain under the "Unfair to infertiles" category. 

Today has been a bad day.

It's been a crying day. 


A feel sorry for myself day. 


A torture myself by watching pregnancy announcements to families videos on youtube, kind of day. I really don't know why I do things like that.Maybe because the thought of making one of those things makes me want to puke because they're so cutsie...or maybe because it's something so foreign to me I want to know more.  


I knew it when I woke up too. I even went to work prepared by not wearing any eye makeup. I did make it through work since I had plenty to do to keep busy. Yay busy work! 




But today wasn't a bad day. 


Today was a good day for one reason. My extra sister, my 5th sister, got wonderful news. If you're the praying type, will you say a prayer for her that her good news stays that way? I've prayed and prayed and prayed for this good news for her and I'm so glad one of us gets good news. 

::embarrassing::

Since there's no baby coming anytime soon, we decided to get a little more in shape. 


Well, I totally ate concrete today while running with the pup. Aaaaand this is the 2nd time in two days. 


Y'all, it was so embarrassing. 


We were running, had a nice stride going, the dog was keeping my pace. It was GLORIOUS. Usually he's tugging on me or I'm tugging or him. Or he's chasing rabbits or ducks. Oh the dang ducks, he just can't contain himself with those things. 


So we were running, things were good, and then I got cocky. 


I decided to gracefully leap from the sidewalk to the road so I could cross the street. Well, toe hit edge of curb which then sent me rolling into the street. The pup was still running, completely unaware of me being now face down in the street. He then dragged me about another foot or so as we were still attached by the leash. 


He then turned around, gave me a WTF mom? look and then thought, "WAIT! She's on the ground! This means play time, right?!?!!" ::commence absurd tail wagging and licking of my face::


Three kids and an old man saw me. I then retreated to my house where I'm trying to convince myself that the concrete isn't' out to get me. 


::sigh:: I'll try again tomorrow and hopefully it's only my feet hitting the ground.

Things you worry about when infertile.

1. Sneezing. Oh goodness, the sneezing. I swear to you, I feel like my sneezes are going to un-stick my embryos or shoot them out. Then again, I do have some pretty powerful sneezes. 


2. Wearing your seat belt. OMG, is it going to squish my tiny, microscopic baby?!? Will it flatten my follies? Seriously, I'm a BIG supporter of the seat belt but I have found myself adjusting where it hits me while in the 2WW. 


3. Cleaning products. Ok, maybe I just use this as an excuse with Mr. Slick but I'm a little convinced that the chemicals are going to fry my follies. 


4. Lady grooming...and not for your husband. Yep, I clean up more for my RE nurses than Mr.Slick lately. 


5. My laptop. It does not sit in my lap while in the 2WW. Again, I think it's going to fry my follies or overheat my embies. 






Yep, I worry about those types of things and many many more. Random, completely irrational thoughts pulse through my brain at all times. Is it just me? Am I the only crazy one out there? Maybe, but oh well. At least I'm able to keep the crazy lady from within from showing her true colors most days. 

T is for Tiger.

Or in my life, T is for T-shaped uterus. 


Apparently this type of uterine abnormality - which isn't necessarily slight - is a very rare congenital uterine malformation usually caused by DES exposure. While I know I wasn't exposed to DES in utero (dr's stopped using it in the 70's) I could be a 3rd generation DES mutant. Meaning, my mother or father could have been exposed in utero (DES was used in it's height in the 50's, when they were born) which according to some very very small studies could affect me. 


Awesome. 


Women with T shaped uteri are more likely to have implantation issues, no implantation at all, early miscarriages, preterm labor and delivery. 


Double awesome. 


My RE didn't seem overly concerned and said there are still plenty of women with T shaped utes who carry to term and that the SHG revealed good volume which would indicate good chances of not having preterm labor, so I probably shouldn't worry either. 


At least that's what my brain is telling the rest of me. Y'all, I'm freaking out. There's such a small chance either of my parents were exposed to DES and an even smaller chance that even if they were that it would have any affect on me. And there's nothing I can do about it anyway. And it could just be, and probably is some strange thing not at all related to DES. But I'm now picturing my ute as being some weird alien thing that glows in the dark. 


At least if I did get pregnant then the baby would have a night light??

Christmas threw up in my house

And more specifically, Christmas wrapping threw up in my house. 


For the third Christmas in a row, Mr. Slick and I waited to purchase gifts for our parents (3 sets!) because we were SURE that this year we would be able to buy them cutsie, "I love grandma/grandpa!" onesies or put an u/s picture in a frame. And for the third Christmas in a row, we have had to come up with alternate gifts. Completely our fault, by the way. That's just the thing with infertility, it breeds endless hope. 


So, even though we found out a few weeks ago that we were NOT going to be gifting adorable baby clothes, bibs, or blob u/s pictures, I still had to frantically shop yesterday - for pretty much everyone, allllll 20something gifts I needed. It was my own selfishness that made me wait so long. I needed to wallow a little and feel sorry for myself, I guess, before I could decide on alternate presents. And it was this waiting that led to frantic gift wrapping that I'm not even going to pretend I'm done with. I'm only about halfway done and the upstairs den is already covered in scraps of paper, ribbon and those little bits of tape that randomly appear after mass wrappings. 


When will I learn that procrastination leads to chaos? Maybe next year I'll throw everyone for a loop and buy them cutesie, I love ______, dog clothes. Yes? No? Would it be cruel to get their hopes up like that? Yea, probably. Sigh.

Etiquette - such a strange word to spell and say

Infertility Etiquette - Because of recent events I have decided to dedicate this post to things to avoid doing or saying to an infertile woman. 


1. Just relax - yea, because relaxing will cure her endometrosis, pcos, or make her husband's sperm swim. Please don't minimize the situation and I'll try my hardest to not minimize yours. We are all fighting our own battles. 


2. But you're soooo young! - Infertility doesn't care how old you are and it's definitely one of those things that doesn't get better with age. I sometimes think I can hear my eggs and ute shriveling up...might just be gas though. 


3. You should just adopt, then you'll get pregnant! - this is incredibly rare and condescending and please don't minimize the huge emotional and financial risks of adoption. That's a whole 'nuther can of worms. And did you know that of the people who DO decide to go this route, only ~5% of them end up becoming pregnant on their own? 


4. You should just adopt. - Oh, you mean that because of my barren ute, I am less worthy of the entire parenting experience? Is that what you meant? Because that's how it can come across, especially to a woman who may or may not be pumped full of synthetic hormones and ready to esssploooode with emotional rage. You're welcome in advance for that warning :) Adoption is a wonderful family building option (one that Mr. Slick and I have always planned on pursuing, even before our IF diagnosis) but it's not for everyone. Respect that, yo.


5. You should just enjoy your life as is! You get to sleep in late, don't have to save for college funds, don't have to deal with morning sickness or stretch marks! You're the lucky one! - Bish please. I'd trade places with you in a minute. Please do not take for granted the wonderful gift you have been given. And while we're at it, don't offer me your kids in a humorous way..."Wanna borrow mine? They drive me nuts!"...I may take you up on this offer and then run away to Mexico. Kidding...kind of. 


6. Maybe God doesn't want you to be a mother/parent or God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready. - This one is the most hurtful to me personally and it's the one I hear the most often. Please don't let your infertile friends think that God is punishing them for some unknown sin and that they think crack whores and child molesters are better parental candidates than them - yep, because that's what I think when you tell me this. You are basically saying that God allows people like that, people in awful positions to become parents, people who beat and abuse their children are more worthy than I am to become a parent. I know you don't mean it that way, but that's the way it can, and does get interpreted. 


7. There are worse things in life. - Yes, there are. But why don't you just go shove it. And remember this advice the next time you find yourself feeling hopeless and worthless. Oh, and you better believe the next time you complain to me about anything you'll get this response riiight back. 


8. Oh wow, I would never pursue treatments, it's like playing God. - Unless you've been in this position, you don't have room to judge. And since you're throwing in the God card, you shouldn't be judging anyway. And if it were like playing God, then I would already be pregnant. My wonderful RE has created three wonderful opportunities for me to get pregnant and I still didn't. How is that playing God? 


9. Ya need a sperm donor?? ::waggles eyebrows:: - I haven't had anyone offer this but someone I know has. Unless you KNOW that they will understand this is a joke, please steer clear. For the record, I probably would have laughed in your face had I been propositioned to be sperminated by someone. 


10. Remember your audience while complaining about your pregnancy symptoms or children. - I don't have personal experience with pregnancy or children (besides my students) but I'm sure some things are downright miserable sometimes. Just remember, someone would trade places with you in a heartbeat if possible. That doesn't mean never complain, that just means if I just had another failed cycle don't say to me, "Well, at least you don't have to deal with this awful morning sickness and back pain, ugh!" And, yes, someone DID say that to me. 




This to do/say: 


1. I'm sorry. 
2. Give a hug. 
3. Share your good news, we're still capable of being happy for you! Even if sad for ourselves. 
4. Ask how they would like to hear your news of pregnancy (if there's a possibility you'll get pregnant first).
5. Remember the mother's of lost babies on Mother's Day. Even if they didn't get their take home baby that doesn't make them less of a mother (this applies to Father's Day also!). 
6. Support their decisions to start/stop treatments. 
7. Oh, and you can't go wrong with chocolate and pedicures. 

The (new) plan

I went in for my follow up appointment yesterday and my RE said everything I was hoping. 

My questions were: 

• Could there be any scar tissue from my LAP last April when my septum was removed? 
• She suggested doing a SHG to check for this before I could even ask - it's scheduled for the 27th, woot woot!
• Do I need to repeat any b/w?
• She answered this before I could ask - all b/w is current - we would repeat if I had by this point an unsuccessful pregnancy 
• Should we try a different form of estrogen than Estrace? Like Vivelle patches? 
• She said we could be more aggressive with estrogen from the start since there were slight lining issues last time. We'll likely do Estrace + something else (maybe the patch, maybe another oral medication). We're aiming for a 9-10mm lining this time. 
• Embryo Quality?
• Before I could bring it up, she raved about our embies and how wonderful they looked and thawed. So, no embryo quality issues are evident.
• Baby aspirin? 
• She said she's not for it or against it but there's no harm in trying, so we'll be adding in a baby aspirin next cycle. 
• Could my PIO allergy (to the oil, not progesterone) have had a negative affect on things? 
• She also answered this before I could ask - No, P4 levels were still fine. My allergy did not affect the absorption of the progesterone, just made things painful and uncomfortable for me. 
• Can we time things for another FET over spring break or should we wait until June since I don't have anymore time off work this school year? 
• She said we could do either and she would be supportive either way. Of course, this is all pending the SHG results. 

Anyway, she was wonderful and is being proactive instead of just chugging through another cycle without checking things out first. She said she doesn't want to leave any stone unturned before putting us through another emotional and physical roller coaster. 

So we're on a break for now. But when you're already 2.5 years into the process, a break here or there isn't terrible, I guess. We'll likely be cycling again in March or June. But for now I'm enjoying my Dr. Pepper :)

Refrigerator full of pictures

I have a refrigerator full of adorable pictures. Kids sitting with Santa, kids in adorable holiday outfits, kids draped with Christmas lights. Only thing is, none of these are my kids. 


How many years can I get away with putting a Christmas hat or antlers on my dog and taking a pic before he plots my death and executes the plan while I sleep? (he wouldn't come near me for nearly an hour after last year's torture - I can't believe I don't have evidence of this on my computer)


Maybe I'll just start hoarding dogs and each year I can feature the new one. 


OH! And maybe if I get enough I'll have enough to send out a personalized calendar each year. 


Jan - cute puppy in the snow
Feb - cute puppy with hearts
March - cute puppy in green
April - cute puppy in rain gear
May - cute puppy in flowers
June - cute puppy at the beach
July - cute patriotic puppy
Aug - cute puppy swimming
Sept - cute back to school puppy
Oct - cute puppy with pumpkins
Nov - cute puppy with a turkey
Dec - cute puppy with hat or antlers




Ok, I feel better now that I have a fallback plan. 

And then the tears came

Yesterday I did not cry. I couldn't, there were no tears. Around 3 the RE's office called and left a message. I assumed it was my beta results. Mr.Slick and I agreed to listen to the message together. So around 5, we did. 


It was a message asking us to call them back. Well, this is different! They've always just left the bad news on my voice mail. I prefer it that way anyway. 


So, I call back and the nurse isn't available but the receptionist explains that she'll call back soon so they can explain everything to me. I think, you mean there's something to explain??? 


I got the call back within 10 minutes and the nurse explained that my beta was negative. She explained that they ran a blood test checking for hcg, the pregnancy hormone and my level was zero. Thanks for that explanation. Obviously I'm too dense to understand that message through a voice mail. Obviously, by looking at my chart you could see that I've never gotten a negative beta before ::insert sarcasm here:: I know I'm just nitpicking but I wish they had left a message. 


This morning when I woke up the tears came. Well, they were already there - my pillow was soaked. I cried in my sleep, I think. 


I went through all that pain with PIO for nothing. I had to start them giving them to myself in my thigh. After 4 days the pain was excruciating. I was told by a few nurses (not at my RE's office - other nurses) that it's normal to experience a little pain and discomfort when self injecting IM shots. I figured myself to be a big wimp and tried a few more days of it only to experience a rash and swelling of the legs. 


When it got to the point where I could no longer walk, I made Mr.Slick do it. He's deathly afraid of needles but because he loves me, he did it. After 4 or so days the pain started again, but this time up my back and down my legs and the rash started too. This time I demanded that one of these nurses actually look at my hip. She then realized that this was not normal, she actually teared up from looking at it. She had me make a call to the RE's office and they called in a new rx, with the progesterone mixed in a new oil. Turns out I'm allergic to the other one. I could not walk, sit, sleep, drive, ANYTHING for almost two weeks without extreme pain. 


All of that pain would have been worth it. But now I have nothing. 

And now we wait...

I consider myself a pretty patient person. Painfully so sometimes. I mean, I DO work with 13 year old all day, right?

Now, I'm painfully, patiently waiting for my beta that is in 8 days.

Yesterday we transferred two beautiful 4AA embies (see this for explanation of grading). The transfer this time was much more tolerable without OHSS. I even made it the entire 20 minutes to pee this time instead of having a date with the bedpan at the 10 minute mark.

So, y'all please help remind me that I'm a patient person and I can wait until my beta. Please?

Heck yes!

Woohoo! My ute listened to me and got the act together!


Today my lining was almost 9mm! So, They're adjusting my Estrace back down and I start progesterone shots on Friday. Transfer is scheduled for next Wednesday.


Now I just could use some prayers that our embies thaw safely from their -400 degrees. 


Thanks everyone for your thoughts and encouragement for my ute :)

Alright Uterus, let's get the act together.

I don't know why we keep having to have these conversations, my ute and me but it's just not getting the message apparently. 


I went in today for a lining check to start progesterone so we could prep for the (supposed to be) transfer next week. Well, my sucktastic ute lining decided that it was NOT going to thicken at all since my baseline appointment. Right after my period I was at a 4.78 and now? The largest measurement she got was 5.11, the average being 5.06. 


Yeaaaaa, they want at least an 8. 


With most women TTC a kick in the ute would probably be counterproductive but I'm seriously starting to contemplate it. Perhaps it would help? 










If you have any prayers to spare, please pray my lining thickens by next Tuesday after this change to my meds. Please and thank you :)