When dealing with infertility you get tested in many ways; physically, mentally emotionally, and your faith is also tested.
One thing that has brought me some comfort recently is a great site called Sarah's Laughter. This site is a Christian support group for infertility and child loss.
Some awesome features on this site:
- Contact info for some support groups
- Options to submit prayer requests
- Options to become a part of the prayer team
- And my favorite: Daily Double Portions
The Daily Double Portions is daily (weekdays) encouragement offered through email about your infertility journey based on scripture. The messages are very well thought out and speak true to the emotions that come with IF.
I encourage you to check it out, if you feel inclined. It's nice to open my personal email midday to these messages and not feel so alone in an otherwise lonely, fertile world.
Before your proceed... I would like to apologize for my language in this post.
::ok, go ahead, you've been warned::
So I went in today for another checkup before starting Estrace. I've been on Lupron for a while and just got off BCP last week.
There's fucking fluid in my uterus, my lining is VERY thin (1.67) and I have fucking follicles trying to mature. My AFC was around 20ish and there are 5-7 that are creeping up on 11mm. My E2 number was 94.2.
My body won't fucking ovulate once on it's own in 3 damn years and now it's pulling this shit when it's supposed to be fully suppressed. The only thing that is suppressed is my lining, which with my lining issues in the past isn't surprising.
I'm now going to have to double my Lupron dosage and do it twice a day, which means I'll have to give one of my shots to myself at school. Every cycle it's been something. Fresh IVF I developed OHSS, FET #1 my lining sucked ass, and now this crap.
I also found out that they want to see my this coming Friday to see if we'll proceed or not. Since it's short notice they can only get me in at 10:00 which means I have to take a fucking half day without pay off from school.
I've been having one of the shittiest few weeks with my emotions related to IF. I have never felt this down about myself before in my life and now this. I don't know how much more I can take.
I've been tagged by Living Our Life in Cycles. I am looking forward to answering her questions!
Here are the rules:
1) First post the rules.
2) Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.
3) Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.
4) Tag people and link them to your post.
5) Let them know that you tagged them.
Here are the questions she had for me:
What kind of sleeper are you? More of a stomach sleeper than anything.
What is your favorite app on your cell phone? I love my Shazam app
If you could have any wild animal as a pet what would you have? Why? Elephant! Because they're one of my favorites.
If you have any super power what would you choose? Why? Invisibility - I like to go unnoticed sometimes and I'm a people watcher. I could do that with much more ease if I were invisible.
What is your favorite candy? Riesens!!
What is your favorite season? Late spring/early summer
What one movie could you watch over and over again? I will watch Ms. Congeniality anytime it's on TV.
If you HAD to move to another state or country where would you go? State - Florida, country - Belize
Are you a night or morning person? Definitely a night owl.
Biggest pet peeve? People who leave their blinkers on, people who use their cell phones when I'm talking to them about something semi serious.
What's your favorite website to visit? Facebook or Google - I love having information at my fingertips.
Questions for those I'm tagging:
1. What is one food you could eat everyday?
2. What was your favorite childhood book?
3. What was your favorite subject in elementary school?
4. What was your favorite subject in high school?
5. What is your favorite cooking medium (grill, oven, etc)?
6. The world is ending - weapon of choice?
7. If you could describe yourself at 10 years old in three words, what would they be?
8. Now describe yourself now in three words.
9. What's your favorite scent for your home?
10. What is your favorite childhood vacation memory?
11. If you could meet anyone, past or present who would it be and why?
I'm tagging (and please forgive and ignore if you've already been tagged)
Denay at Where's Baby Miller?
Becky at Love Everyday Life
Amanda at I am wife...
Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze
Brooke at Invisible Finish Line
Megan at Hoping for Baby B
Chasey at From Fertile Myrtle...
Branmuffin at Baking a Little Muffin
W at Ello Minnow Pea
Btay at Can't Rush a Miracle
Mrs.Mroch at Mrs.Mroch
Yep, I'm great.
How are you doing?
I'm fine :) How are you?
How are things going with you?
Pretty good ::nods and smiles::
Lies, lies, lies. I'm not great, I'm not fine, and I'm not okay. I know people don't really want to hear these things when they ask me these questions, so I instead give them the answers they want. I give them the satisfaction of asking me how I'm doing and then spare them the raw, ugly emotions.
I'm glad they ask, it does show they care. I just wish it were acceptable to give people the real answer. Lately, anytime I'm asked one of these questions I slap a smile on my face and fake it. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from having to lie all the time.
So, would it be better to not be asked and then not have to fake it or to be asked, give the real answer and deal with the awkward repercussions that are sure to follow OR to keep going as I am - faking my pretty good's, fine's and smiles?
When the world says, "Give up." Hope whispers, "Try one more time." ~unknown
Yesterday I had my baseline appointment for FET #2. Everything looked great and I started shots last night - and so did the oh, so lovely hot flashes.
I know what can go wrong. I can feel the fear in every part of my day but it's by the Grace of God that I can manipulate that fear into hope. My fears are still there but hope is what is making me try again.
There may come a time where I seemingly throw in the towel and "give up." But what may seem like giving up to you, is me focusing my hope and channeling my fears down a new path.
So here's to hoping for the best, knowing the worst and hot flashes and migraines from my meds :)
