Feeling alone...at church

In the world of infertility I have felt no more alone than while at Church. Not during mass, per se, but while in the church. And the more I think about it, the more it makes me sad. Of all the places in the world that is the last place I should feel alone. 

(Please let it be known before you read on that I do not feel abandoned by, forgotten by, or without God and Jesus - that's not what this post is about. I did feel this way at one point but I have long since moved on from those dark thoughts)

Churches are built around a sense of family. Family. If you ask someone to draw a picture of a family, what do they draw? 99% will draw a mother, father, a kid or two and dog, probably with their house as the background. If I showed most people a hand drawn picture of a man and woman, most would say it's a picture of a couple, not a family. We, Mr. Slick and I, are by social confines not yet a family. And sadly, our Church parish, like many others also conforms to this social norm. 

Following mass recently (due to a lovely stomach virus we did not attend mass this weekend) I was reading the bulletin for possible groups for Mr. Slick and I to join. We're feeling alone and wanting guidance so we thought first to turn to our parish. 

There are groups for the following: First time Moms, Mom's of two or more, Mom's of preschoolers, Dad's group, Seniors group, Knights of Columbus, Homeschool group, Little Saints and Scholars, Catholic Daughters, and Newlyweds. 

There are only two groups dedicated for couples of childless parents (or at least those who don't have children at home); the Seniors group and the Newlyweds group. We don't fit into either category. And I actually met a few of the people in the Newlyweds group - all of which were already pregnant. 

Sadly, this is the norm. I looked to a neighboring town's parish website for possibilities and they had many many more groups as it's a larger parish and town but with more options of groups did not bring more options for childless couples. We don't fit the mold of what most churches define as family and that makes me both mad and sad. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. Sometimes during mass I look around at all the other families there and sometimes see a couple, clearly married and always wonder if they're infertile too. Or if their kids are just visiting grandma and grandpa's for the weekend. 

One day I might fit this mold but someone will always be left out. 

Celebrities and Infertility

Yep, it happens to them too. It probably happens to many more than we're aware of. However, it's none of our business. 

Many people in the IF world complain when suspected famous IFers don't open up about their struggles but I'm always left wondering, why they owe that to the rest of the world? 

IF is a deeply personal and emotional roller coaster. No one wants to be in that position, no one wants to be and feel like a failure. No one wants to feel less womanly or manly, no one wants to disappoint their friends and family. But that's what IF does to you. It does all of those things. And I'm sure having your picture with the words INFERTILE plastered all over magazine covers and the internet isn't easy to see and experience. 

Opening up about infertility is something one must do in their time, not when it's convenient for you. It's something a couple must grieve and struggle through, even after treatments have been successful. I've never experienced success but I don't see these feelings of hurt and failure instantly disappearing as soon as I see two pink lines. That's something that sticks with you. 

Sure, things would be much easier if all celebrities who have/will struggle with IF would open up and talk freely about it. But did you sing it from the rooftops as soon as you received your diagnosis? Most people need some time to digest this, most people need some time to deal with it, most people need to adjust to it alone or with their close family/friends. I don't blame them for this. 

And some of you will claim that they have it sooooo much easier than we do. No, they don't, at least not emotionally. Yes, they have many more financial resources than the average person but think about it, it's the emotional and physical parts that are the toughest, right? Well, money can't take that away so celebs don't owe us anything. 

Questions to ask at your first RE appointment:

Many people are nervous prior to their first RE appointment and want to go in, armored with questions. A good RE will leave you with few questions but here are a few in case they don't offer the information. Of course there might be more information that you want/need but this will tell you mostly what you need to know. Enjoy :)



1. What does your typical monitoring consist of with the treatment plan you have for me? 
2. What are your operating hours? Weekend hours? Holiday hours? 
3. Will I be seeing you or a nurse usually? 
4. How long does it take to get lab results back? 
5. Do you repeat tests after a certain amount of time? (some clinic's have patients do repeats of CD3, 7DPO, and SA's every six months or year)
6. Do you have a website with information for patients? 
7. What is the best protocol for contacting you/your office after hours? Is there a charge for this if it's not an emergency? 
8. Do you have your own surgery center or will surgeries/procedures be done elsewhere? 
9. Will I ever meet with the other doctor's in the practice (if there are other's)? If no other doctors in the practice - How do you handle your own personal absences since many IF related appointments are time sensitive? 
10. Do you have an email address where I can directly contact you if needed? 
11. What are payment options? Is all payment due at time of service or can we do payment plans? Is there a discount for paying in advance? 
12. Do you have a list of preferred pharmacies for IF medications? 
13. Should I still go see my obgyn for my regular appointments (pap smear, yearly appt, etc) or will you do all these exams? 
14. What is your waiting room policy? Can I bring more than one person with me to appointments? For those with children - Do you allow children in your office/waiting room? 
15. Can I have a copy of your most recent statistics studies? (typically only for IVF patients)
16. What is your opinion on drinking during treatments? Should I alter my diet? What about caffeine? 
17. What is your opinion on chiropractic care? Acupuncture? Herbal remedies? 
18. Are OTC prenatals good enough or do you require a rx prenatal while doing treatments? 
19. Do you have any letters (or emails) of recommendation? 
20. Do you ever have trials/studies done that someone with my diagnosis could participate in? Will I get any compensation for these studies? 


For more information on IF testing/treatments/costs, see this.

Dear Uterus,

You need to get your act together. 9 days of AF is unacceptable. And it doesn't look like you plan on stopping within the next few days. 

Please get your shit together. 

Kind regards, 

The management

Cheat day.

I cheated today. It was glorious. Cheat days are good for the soul. 

I had a grande White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks. 

I had homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. 

I had a 7Up with lunch AND a mini Reese's. 

I also might have had macaroni & cheese with another oatmeal chocolate chip cookie for dinner. 

I'm sure this won't help my still bloated belly, but oh well. It was worth it. 

IVF #1 is negative

Beta came back negative. 


I have nothing else to say, as I don't know how to feel besides devastated. 


WTF appointment is next week.

Snuggle in little ones!

Yesterday (9/19) we transferred, what the embryologist called two perfect, textbook embies. Our beta is on the 28th! EEK! 

I'm dealing with a slight case of OHSS but as long as I don't get up/down too much it's not too bad. I am bloated, crampy, and am dealing with some shortness of breath but nothing unbearable. It will hopefully all be worth it. 

Here is a pic of one of our embabies: 

The quality isn't great since I was taking a picture of a print out but trust me, it's beautiful :)

We have 11 embabies!

We have 11 little embabies growing right now. 

Out of the 25 retrieved, 20 looked mature (came from mature follies), 16 were actually mature, 2 fertilized abnormally, 3 didn't fertilize and 11 are doing well. 

It's amazing that even with perfectly healthy eggs and sperm that are FORCED together under perfect conditions it's still not always a perfect outcome. Babies truly are a special and rare thing. 

The babysitter, I mean embryologist, will call me on Saturday with an update as long as nothing changes between now and then. We're still scheduled for a 5 day transfer for Monday. 

I'm still crampy but much better than I was yesterday. 

Cramps, I haz them.

Ouch. They retrieved 25 eggs today. Twenty-five. Yep, that's right. I have some epic cramps and slight bloating going on.

 I'm fine sitting or standing but transitioning between the two? Ouch. 

Oh and walking, another ouch. And going to the bathroom, also ouch. Except that I can't fully go. I can only go #1. That's right folks, I can't poo. (I think my mother would die if she knew I was talking about my poo, or lack thereof on the interwebs)

I have nothing to take for it here, not even enough ingredients for home remedies and don't feel comfortable driving. And Mr.Slick only got 3 hours of sleep last night so I sent him to bed about an hour ago. 

I feel if I could just go, then things would be about 87% better. But no, I can't go :(

Egg retrieval is tomorrow!

I triggered last night at 8:30 and the ER is tomorrow morning! I'm so excited. 


They saw about 20 mature follicles at my follie check yesterday and my E2 level was in the 3000's. 












Aaaaaand, that's it.

My kids.

In case it hasn't been mentioned before, I'm a teacher. My official title is 8th grade math teacher. So some assume I only teach math. 

But I teach much more. I teach my students to love math. I teach them to love each other and to love themselves. I teach them to be productive. I teach them to be proactive. I teach them to be better than they thought they could be and I teach them that they can always be better. I teach them that kindness is the only way to win (in my classroom anyway). I teach them to set their goals high and to never stop working for them. 

I teach them because I love to do this. I have always loved teaching and as my principal once put it so kindly, "Mama-ing them." I love to take care of them. I love to hear about their successes and help them find a solution to their failures. I love to support them when needed and be their cheerleader when no one else will. 

These are MY kids. I get a new batch every school year and watch them become someone else's kids the next. I love these kids. And they might be the only kids I ever have. That's why I will always give them my all. 

Lucky Socks (and an update!)

Check out my awesome new Lucky Socks! I had an amazing gift-er, Bonnie Sue :) I now have two pairs of adorable socks, one for my egg retrieval and the other for transfer! Here I am with one of each pair on: 

LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!

Now my update: Nurse called today after my freaking early blood draw (ok, it was only at 7am - but that means I had to leave my house by 6:15, that's EARLY) and my E2 level was already at 256 after 3 days of Follistim/Menopur/Lupron! Woot Woot! For tonight and tomorrow night I'm actually being dropped from 150 of Follistim to 125 but keeping with the 2 vials of Menopur and 10 units of Lupron. I go in Thursday @ 7 for my first follie check and some more blood for the vampires - I mean nurses :)

Need to get something off my chest.

Do not tell me that God will give me a baby when He thinks I'm ready. 
Do not tell me to relax and it will happen. 
Do not tell me that I just need to pray. 


Do you really think that those things haven't crossed my mind? 


And what do you mean by, God will give me a baby when He thinks I'm ready? Are you insinuating that crack whores who leave their babies in dumpsters are more ready than I am? Are you saying that God thinks that child molesters and child beaters are/will be better parents than Mr.Slick and I? 


Please explain yourself here. I understand your intentions are not malicious but please think about what you are saying. 


God created a wonderful system. A scientific system of timing and chance. A system where all things must be 100% correct for a pregnancy to happen. Achieving pregnancy is a scientific process that God created for us. He does not decide who has sex and who doesn't, He gave us free will. I do think he can grant us a miracle, but I do not believe every baby made is a miracle in the religious sense, but more the "the stars are perfectly aligned tonight and we're both healthy" kind of miracle. If God only wanted certain people to have children, then why would sex be necessary? Why wouldn't he just give those specific people their perfect children? He created a perfectly beautiful world and perfectly beautiful scientific process but it's not perfect.

Woowoo! This cycle is a go!

My baseline was on Friday and it was great! 

• My lining was nice and thin at 3.11 :)
• My E2 level was nice and low at 43 :)
• My ovaries were nice and quiet :) 
• BUT! With a good AFC - we counted 25 or so itty bitties

Last night (Saturday) was my first night of stims. I dropped my Lupron dosage down to 10 units and added in 2 vials of Menopur and 150 units of Follistim. Mr.Slick was majorly uneasy at the thought of me doing three shots per night, lol. I don't know what we would do if HE had to do any shots!

Small update.

So, can we talk about how uncomfortable the mock transfer was? 


O.M.G. The full bladder part was the killer. I mean, really. Effing awful. 


BUT!!!! It was worth it since it means we're one step closer to getting pregnant!


I got my calendar this morning at my appointment. I start Lupron injections tomorrow and will do those until the 9/2 and then I start Follistim+Menopur. 


I'm getting exciiiited. 

Moving on...

So, due to several factors we are moving on to IVF.


 I was a poor responder, even after 25 days of Follistim, Mr.Slick's samples were pretty good (for someone with MFI) but his numbers fluctuate so much that it's kind of a gamble, and I don't have any more accrued time off at work. 


I have 9 days for the next 8 months. And being a teacher, I can't take an hour here or there or take a long lunch. I can take half days or full days. End of story. And even if I just use all half days, that only gives me 18 "days" total. And as I mentioned above, my ovaries are apparently slow and need 20+ days to get the job done. 


I'm scared and nervous and excited. Mostly excited though. I know this is our best shot, I know this makes the most sense, and I know that if we had decided to do another IUI and it failed I would have been constantly asking myself "Why did we not give it our all and do IVF?"


So here we are. Two nervous wrecks about to throw a pretty good chunk of our savings into one basket. I just hope this basket brings lots of eggs. 

Waiting.

Someone once described infertility as waiting at the airport. It was a wonderful analogy, let me see if I can get it right. 

You show up to the airport with your spouse, anxiously and excitedly waiting for your loved one to arrive. You're there waiting with all your friends and family who are also waiting for their special delivery. 

The plane arrives, someone opens the doors and people start to appear in the tunnel. You hold your breath as people trickle out and run into the arms of the ones waiting for them. You see the joy on their faces as they greet the new arrival and they slowly leave. Eventually less and less people are coming down the little hallway and suddenly you realize everyone else is gone. 

An airport worker approaches and explains that maybe your loved one missed their flight and to stick around for the next arrival. The room fills again with people waiting and the same thing happens. You're so hopeful as each person comes out, desperately leaning forward and straining your eyes to see if they came to see you. But again, the plane empties and you are again left alone. 

This time you're told to go home and try coming back another time. Maybe they weren't ready to come home. Maybe they just keep missing their flight. So you pay lots of money to the airlines to make sure this special person is on the next flight. You call and double check the itinerary, triple check it even. You're told they will make this flight so you and your spouse go to the airport again. And you wait. And you wait. And you wait. By this time the people who work in the airport know you by name and even ask you why you even show up. You respond with "How can I not show up? What if this flight is the flight they actually make?" So you're waiting and watching people pick up their loved ones, some of these people you've seen pick up people before. You desperately want to feel the joy of embracing that person you've waited so long for. But again, you're left with no one. 

Defeated, you go home. But you'll be there again tomorrow. Waiting. 

I think infertility is about waiting and eternal, sometimes foolish hope. 

Negative

Beta was negative. I wasn't terribly surprised with all the cramps I've been having the past few days but it still hurts. 

Mr. Slick and I luckily didn't have too much time yesterday to dwell on it as our best friends were in town and kept us busy. We went to lunch, we went to Dick's (haha) to get said friends some Rangers gear and then went to the Ranger's game. It was flucking hot last night at the game but we all survived. It finally cooled down to the double digits by 9:00 or so. I ate a hot dog and had several Dr. Peppers, things I wouldn't have done had my beta's been different. I had disgustingly good ballpark nachos with jalapenos and a funnel cake. My partner in crime and I looked like coke addicts by the time we were done eating it. There is no way to gracefully eat something with powdered sugar while sitting in stadium seats, we discovered. 

Luckily I managed to get an appointment with the RE for Monday to discuss where to go from here as I only have time for 1, maybe 2 cycles this coming school year. Unlucky for us, it's in the office that's about 1.5 hours away from where we live. 

Now to drown my sorrows in caffeinated goodness...

IUI #1 and #1.2

I had my back to back IUI's yesterday and today. And beta is scheduled for Aug. 6th! I'll only be 11 (or 12) dpiui which seems soon but I guess I'll know the answer that much sooner. Testing that soon I'll be sure to take the results with a grain of salt as there could still be some trigger in my system but my RE wanted it then and I trust her expertise. 

Oh and I started the progesterone supps today too, aka crotch rockets. They're lovely.

Woot woot!

I had my millionth follie check this cycle (ok, maybe it was just my 13th follie check) and our one rockstar follie is finally a mature 20mm :) So I just took my trigger and we're doing back to back IUI's tomorrow and the next day. 


And tomorrow is our anniversary. That has to mean good things, right???




P.S. Those trigger shots sting a little bit when administered cold :(