IVF #1 is negative

Beta came back negative. 


I have nothing else to say, as I don't know how to feel besides devastated. 


WTF appointment is next week.

Snuggle in little ones!

Yesterday (9/19) we transferred, what the embryologist called two perfect, textbook embies. Our beta is on the 28th! EEK! 

I'm dealing with a slight case of OHSS but as long as I don't get up/down too much it's not too bad. I am bloated, crampy, and am dealing with some shortness of breath but nothing unbearable. It will hopefully all be worth it. 

Here is a pic of one of our embabies: 

The quality isn't great since I was taking a picture of a print out but trust me, it's beautiful :)

We have 11 embabies!

We have 11 little embabies growing right now. 

Out of the 25 retrieved, 20 looked mature (came from mature follies), 16 were actually mature, 2 fertilized abnormally, 3 didn't fertilize and 11 are doing well. 

It's amazing that even with perfectly healthy eggs and sperm that are FORCED together under perfect conditions it's still not always a perfect outcome. Babies truly are a special and rare thing. 

The babysitter, I mean embryologist, will call me on Saturday with an update as long as nothing changes between now and then. We're still scheduled for a 5 day transfer for Monday. 

I'm still crampy but much better than I was yesterday. 

Cramps, I haz them.

Ouch. They retrieved 25 eggs today. Twenty-five. Yep, that's right. I have some epic cramps and slight bloating going on.

 I'm fine sitting or standing but transitioning between the two? Ouch. 

Oh and walking, another ouch. And going to the bathroom, also ouch. Except that I can't fully go. I can only go #1. That's right folks, I can't poo. (I think my mother would die if she knew I was talking about my poo, or lack thereof on the interwebs)

I have nothing to take for it here, not even enough ingredients for home remedies and don't feel comfortable driving. And Mr.Slick only got 3 hours of sleep last night so I sent him to bed about an hour ago. 

I feel if I could just go, then things would be about 87% better. But no, I can't go :(

Egg retrieval is tomorrow!

I triggered last night at 8:30 and the ER is tomorrow morning! I'm so excited. 


They saw about 20 mature follicles at my follie check yesterday and my E2 level was in the 3000's. 












Aaaaaand, that's it.

My kids.

In case it hasn't been mentioned before, I'm a teacher. My official title is 8th grade math teacher. So some assume I only teach math. 

But I teach much more. I teach my students to love math. I teach them to love each other and to love themselves. I teach them to be productive. I teach them to be proactive. I teach them to be better than they thought they could be and I teach them that they can always be better. I teach them that kindness is the only way to win (in my classroom anyway). I teach them to set their goals high and to never stop working for them. 

I teach them because I love to do this. I have always loved teaching and as my principal once put it so kindly, "Mama-ing them." I love to take care of them. I love to hear about their successes and help them find a solution to their failures. I love to support them when needed and be their cheerleader when no one else will. 

These are MY kids. I get a new batch every school year and watch them become someone else's kids the next. I love these kids. And they might be the only kids I ever have. That's why I will always give them my all. 

Lucky Socks (and an update!)

Check out my awesome new Lucky Socks! I had an amazing gift-er, Bonnie Sue :) I now have two pairs of adorable socks, one for my egg retrieval and the other for transfer! Here I am with one of each pair on: 

LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!

Now my update: Nurse called today after my freaking early blood draw (ok, it was only at 7am - but that means I had to leave my house by 6:15, that's EARLY) and my E2 level was already at 256 after 3 days of Follistim/Menopur/Lupron! Woot Woot! For tonight and tomorrow night I'm actually being dropped from 150 of Follistim to 125 but keeping with the 2 vials of Menopur and 10 units of Lupron. I go in Thursday @ 7 for my first follie check and some more blood for the vampires - I mean nurses :)

Need to get something off my chest.

Do not tell me that God will give me a baby when He thinks I'm ready. 
Do not tell me to relax and it will happen. 
Do not tell me that I just need to pray. 


Do you really think that those things haven't crossed my mind? 


And what do you mean by, God will give me a baby when He thinks I'm ready? Are you insinuating that crack whores who leave their babies in dumpsters are more ready than I am? Are you saying that God thinks that child molesters and child beaters are/will be better parents than Mr.Slick and I? 


Please explain yourself here. I understand your intentions are not malicious but please think about what you are saying. 


God created a wonderful system. A scientific system of timing and chance. A system where all things must be 100% correct for a pregnancy to happen. Achieving pregnancy is a scientific process that God created for us. He does not decide who has sex and who doesn't, He gave us free will. I do think he can grant us a miracle, but I do not believe every baby made is a miracle in the religious sense, but more the "the stars are perfectly aligned tonight and we're both healthy" kind of miracle. If God only wanted certain people to have children, then why would sex be necessary? Why wouldn't he just give those specific people their perfect children? He created a perfectly beautiful world and perfectly beautiful scientific process but it's not perfect.

Woowoo! This cycle is a go!

My baseline was on Friday and it was great! 

• My lining was nice and thin at 3.11 :)
• My E2 level was nice and low at 43 :)
• My ovaries were nice and quiet :) 
• BUT! With a good AFC - we counted 25 or so itty bitties

Last night (Saturday) was my first night of stims. I dropped my Lupron dosage down to 10 units and added in 2 vials of Menopur and 150 units of Follistim. Mr.Slick was majorly uneasy at the thought of me doing three shots per night, lol. I don't know what we would do if HE had to do any shots!

Small update.

So, can we talk about how uncomfortable the mock transfer was? 


O.M.G. The full bladder part was the killer. I mean, really. Effing awful. 


BUT!!!! It was worth it since it means we're one step closer to getting pregnant!


I got my calendar this morning at my appointment. I start Lupron injections tomorrow and will do those until the 9/2 and then I start Follistim+Menopur. 


I'm getting exciiiited. 

Moving on...

So, due to several factors we are moving on to IVF.


 I was a poor responder, even after 25 days of Follistim, Mr.Slick's samples were pretty good (for someone with MFI) but his numbers fluctuate so much that it's kind of a gamble, and I don't have any more accrued time off at work. 


I have 9 days for the next 8 months. And being a teacher, I can't take an hour here or there or take a long lunch. I can take half days or full days. End of story. And even if I just use all half days, that only gives me 18 "days" total. And as I mentioned above, my ovaries are apparently slow and need 20+ days to get the job done. 


I'm scared and nervous and excited. Mostly excited though. I know this is our best shot, I know this makes the most sense, and I know that if we had decided to do another IUI and it failed I would have been constantly asking myself "Why did we not give it our all and do IVF?"


So here we are. Two nervous wrecks about to throw a pretty good chunk of our savings into one basket. I just hope this basket brings lots of eggs. 

Waiting.

Someone once described infertility as waiting at the airport. It was a wonderful analogy, let me see if I can get it right. 

You show up to the airport with your spouse, anxiously and excitedly waiting for your loved one to arrive. You're there waiting with all your friends and family who are also waiting for their special delivery. 

The plane arrives, someone opens the doors and people start to appear in the tunnel. You hold your breath as people trickle out and run into the arms of the ones waiting for them. You see the joy on their faces as they greet the new arrival and they slowly leave. Eventually less and less people are coming down the little hallway and suddenly you realize everyone else is gone. 

An airport worker approaches and explains that maybe your loved one missed their flight and to stick around for the next arrival. The room fills again with people waiting and the same thing happens. You're so hopeful as each person comes out, desperately leaning forward and straining your eyes to see if they came to see you. But again, the plane empties and you are again left alone. 

This time you're told to go home and try coming back another time. Maybe they weren't ready to come home. Maybe they just keep missing their flight. So you pay lots of money to the airlines to make sure this special person is on the next flight. You call and double check the itinerary, triple check it even. You're told they will make this flight so you and your spouse go to the airport again. And you wait. And you wait. And you wait. By this time the people who work in the airport know you by name and even ask you why you even show up. You respond with "How can I not show up? What if this flight is the flight they actually make?" So you're waiting and watching people pick up their loved ones, some of these people you've seen pick up people before. You desperately want to feel the joy of embracing that person you've waited so long for. But again, you're left with no one. 

Defeated, you go home. But you'll be there again tomorrow. Waiting. 

I think infertility is about waiting and eternal, sometimes foolish hope. 

Negative

Beta was negative. I wasn't terribly surprised with all the cramps I've been having the past few days but it still hurts. 

Mr. Slick and I luckily didn't have too much time yesterday to dwell on it as our best friends were in town and kept us busy. We went to lunch, we went to Dick's (haha) to get said friends some Rangers gear and then went to the Ranger's game. It was flucking hot last night at the game but we all survived. It finally cooled down to the double digits by 9:00 or so. I ate a hot dog and had several Dr. Peppers, things I wouldn't have done had my beta's been different. I had disgustingly good ballpark nachos with jalapenos and a funnel cake. My partner in crime and I looked like coke addicts by the time we were done eating it. There is no way to gracefully eat something with powdered sugar while sitting in stadium seats, we discovered. 

Luckily I managed to get an appointment with the RE for Monday to discuss where to go from here as I only have time for 1, maybe 2 cycles this coming school year. Unlucky for us, it's in the office that's about 1.5 hours away from where we live. 

Now to drown my sorrows in caffeinated goodness...

IUI #1 and #1.2

I had my back to back IUI's yesterday and today. And beta is scheduled for Aug. 6th! I'll only be 11 (or 12) dpiui which seems soon but I guess I'll know the answer that much sooner. Testing that soon I'll be sure to take the results with a grain of salt as there could still be some trigger in my system but my RE wanted it then and I trust her expertise. 

Oh and I started the progesterone supps today too, aka crotch rockets. They're lovely.

Woot woot!

I had my millionth follie check this cycle (ok, maybe it was just my 13th follie check) and our one rockstar follie is finally a mature 20mm :) So I just took my trigger and we're doing back to back IUI's tomorrow and the next day. 


And tomorrow is our anniversary. That has to mean good things, right???




P.S. Those trigger shots sting a little bit when administered cold :(

More tales from the RE's office.

So Mr.Slick works strange hours. I always try to schedule RE appointments he's planning on attending as early as possible so he can go to sleep as soon as we're home fro them. 

On one lovely spring morning we were at the RE's office after Mr.Slick had been awake for almost 36 hours. He was a wee bit tired. They got us back fairly quickly for my blood work and then straight into the u/s room. However we did have to wait in the u/s room for a while. 

I was sitting there, nekkid from the waist down on that thin paper watching my husband fight sleepiness. His cure? He started snooping. 

He first started with just the drawers under the bench he was sitting on. Phew, only pads and more of the bright orange paper gown thingies I was covering my lower half with. I thought I was out of danger at that point. Then he stands up and starts pacing, eyeing the wall of cabinets and drawers on the other side of the exam room. And then the sweat starts and my butt cheeks start sticking to the paper. Oh no, he's going to do it. 

I begged, pleaded with him not to but there was no stopping him. I was too scared of the doctor coming in catching us both "in the act" and me showing her my full moon so I sat frozen only able to beg him to stop. 

He found the lube drawer, the gloves drawer, the towlette drawer, and what he called the torture chamber drawer (speculums). And then he found the condoms. Oh gawd. He took one (don't worry, by this point he already had gloves and a mask on from his previous findings). He then started flying the huuuuge thing across the room like a kite letting it fill with air. 

Then we heard her. She was outside our room talking to someone else. I panicked and gave him my best death glare as he frantically ripped the mask and gloves off but he forgot about the condom now sitting next to him on the bench. 

::knock, knock:: 

She came in and and didn't notice the condom on the bench. As she went to get the dildo cam a condom for our use that day I tried my best to point  with my eyebrows and eyes to the condom. He looked at me so confused and then it clicked. Being the super sly person he is he slowly picked it up and put it in my purse. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and wiped the sweat from by brow. ::sigh:: We made it through the rest of that appointment without incident, thank goodness. 

The condom lived in my purse for a few weeks too. I just couldn't bring myself to throw it away for some reason. 

Tales from the RE's office.

Setting: A small waiting room with 12 or so chairs and a receptionist on the other side of a thin plastic window. 


We were waiting for our appointment for our first follie check. I was playing Angry Birds and killing those little green dudes (are they pigs? I never watched the intro or read the directions, obviously). Mr. Slick was leafing through a copy of Time magazine as two other couples sat nearby. 


Suddenly he closes the magazine and leans toward me and whispers in my right ear, "I'm sorry."


I look to him and say, "Sorry for wha..." And it hits me. That invisible cloud of death. 


I suppress a cough as Mr. Slick turns a lovely shade of pink. The next thing out of my mouth I couldn't suppress, a giggle. Oh lord, I have the giggles. And now he has the giggles. 


I glance around at the other couples and no one makes eye contact. One lady moves her magazine up to hide her face. Oh goodness, will these giggles ever stop? There's NO way these people don't smell this by now. 


And then? Our redemption. A nurse opens the door and whisks us away for blood work and a follie check. I have never been more excited to lose blood. 

Dear Mrs.Walker

I love you. 

You have no idea how boring my summer would be without your texts. 

You have NOOOOOOOOO idea (well maybe you do) how much I appreciate being able to vent to you about crazycakes family members. 

Basically, 

So testing is done, now what?

Now you're in the treatment phase. Treatment will depend greatly on your diagnosis. Some people only require simple treatments and some will skip straight to IVF. It really just depends. 


One of the most simple treatments is a medicated cycle with TI. Common medications for first cycles are Clomid and Femara. Here is the protocol that should be followed for almost any medicated cycle: 


CD3: baseline u/s and b/w - this will be a check to make sure you don't have any cysts, your lining is appropriately thin, your blood flow to your uterus is good and your hormone levels are good. 
CD10-12: Follie check & b/w - this will check to see how and if your follies are growing and to make sure you aren't over responding (OHSS) 
Then you'll go in every few days or so until you have mature follies. Then your RE will either instruct you on when to have sex or give you a trigger shot (to give yourself at home) so you'll O 36 hours later and know when exactly to have sex. 
7DPO: this will be to check your progesterone levels. If your progesterone is too low, then you cannot sustain a pregnancy and then you might be put onto prog. supplements. 


This monitoring might seem extreme but it is so so SOOOOO important. I don't know why anyone would want to risk their reproductive health when there are options to help. Many fertility medications (like Clomid) can be very dangerous. It can cause horrible cysts (read through my old posts and you'll find my personal experience with this), thinned uterine lining which may be permanent, HOM (wanna be the next Kate+8?) and other awful side effects. 


Ok, so you tried a few cycles of TI and it didn't work. The next step would be medicated cycle + IUI. You will follow the same protocol up until the sex part and then instead your husband will go give a sample about an hour before you go in to be sperminated. May the sperm be with you. There are varying levels of IUI protocol's. After Clomid/Femara there are then FSH injects. These increase the odds of pregnancy but then also increase the odds of HOM. They're also like liquid gold as the medications can cost thousands of dollars each cycle. 


Next, if you and your RE feel that IUI isn't working and they want to go to the next step, that would be IVF. IVF is very invasive and very expensive. You will inject yourself at home  (with similar drugs or the same drugs) as you used in an injects cycle. When your follies are ready you'll then go in for an egg retrieval. This is where your RE goes in and removes your eggs - as many mature ones as they can. This might be 20 or it might be 3. Of course higher numbers mean more chances but there are no guarantees. After the eggs are retrieved, they will be sperminated by your RE with your husband's sperm. They will then closely monitor your new embryos. Depending on the quality of your embryos that were fertilized (if any) they will transfer them back in 3 or 5 days after (I've also heard of day 6 transfers). Now, make sure you have a responsible doctor and only transfer 1 or 2 (mayyyybe 3). Don't go Octomom on us and transfer 10, mmmkay? 


Now, that was an extremely sugarcoated version of IVF. It's painful, emotional, expensive, and hard. I've never been in that situation but know a few people that have been through it. 


Now what a lot of people are interested in: Costs. 


These are general estimates based on my own personal experiences. 


Medicated + TI: $500-900 
Medicated + IUI: $700-1500
Injects + IUI: $1000-3000
IVF: $8,000+


None of these estimates include the cost of medications. Once you enter the realm of injects, medications can cost hundreds to thousands of dollars extra EACH CYCLE.


Okie dokie, questions? Comments? 

Think you need IF testing?

Ok, so you think you need to start talking to your doctor about infertility testing. Way to go! It can be really hard to make it to this step. Infertility is defined as: the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.  If you are over the age of 35, the time of trying to conceive is reduced to 6 months (http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/). 


If you think you need testing, I'd see how much your OBGYN is willing to work with you. I  would first ask for CD3 b/w, 7DPO b/w, and an u/s. All of these things can be done within the same cycle. CD3 b/w can typically be done on CD2-4, so if CD3 falls on a weekend, you should be able to work something out. Now with 7DPO b/w, do NOT let your OBGYN or one of the nurses confuse this with CD21 b/w. CD21 b/w is only useful if you O'd on CD14. The only way for you to CONFIRM ovulation is by charting your BBT (www.fertilityfriend.com is a great website for this). OPK's do NOT confirm ovulation and most RE's are not satisfied with only that information. Your blood work will be checking your hormone levels, thyriod, blood sugars, etc. The u/s will check for any major uterine abnormalities and the overall look of your ovaries. 


If you want a SA (semen analysis) can also be done this cycle. I would make sure to do this before any more invasive tests are ordered for you as this test is SOOOO easy and relatively cheap OOP. 


Ok, so those tests came back. Now, if you're still not pregnant (and if it's been a year of well timed sex), then get thee to a RE!!! Once there, they'll probably take the reigns but if not, ask for a HSG or SHG next. (have you noticed that I haven't mentioned treatments yet...yes, that was on purpose - no treatments should have been ordered yet) This will show a more in depth look of your uterus and check to see if your tubes are all clear.


If this comes back clear, then it's likely treatments will start... (see next post for more info)


The next step in testing is a LAP. This is a diagnostic surgery. It's very simple in surgery terms and most women have easy recoveries. Little cameras will be inserted through small incisions in your belly (mine went in through my belly button) and they'll look around. This is the only way to definitively diagnose endo and other issues. It will also give them a look at other organs around the uterus and inside.  


Sometimes your doctor, whether new or old, might order repeats of tests. This is especially true of shady SA's. If you get bad results with those a repeat will almost always be ordered a few months down the road. 


Ok, this is pretty much it in terms of basic testing.